Drink #1 Champagne
1.1.2012
“Oh my, the bubbles are going straight to my head!”
- Every girl in a movie & on tv.
“I’ll stick with gin. Champagne is just ginger ale that knows somebody.”
- Hawkeye from M*A*S*H*
For my very first drink in this new Adventure, I’ve learned that one of these quotes are real. And its not the one I had hoped for. I’m not going to lie, all my life I was under the very real impression that champagne—even one glass—would make me more light-headed, giggly and loose lipped.
I was wrong.
One could claim 235lbs wrong, and thereby not as susceptible to the lightheadedness of a 95lbs flirty young 27yo playing a 16yo on the CW. But those people can go to hell, because I’m 225lbs. So fuck you.
[insert new year’s resolution about losing weight and fat joke to make people feel more comfortable with my fat socially.]
Alright, I know it was just one glass of champagne, but I had this lofty idea I would finish my drink, take my jacket off and start singing a Guns & Roses song at the top of my lungs while air-guitaring on the coffee table in this brave/mad fit of buzzed joy. No? No.
As you can see in the picture, I had a glass of Korbel. I chose Korbel because I wanted to start with something classic. While I am aware it’s not actually champagne, I did my research and it’s the #1 American champagne “replacement” on NYE and the #1 biggest alcoholic drink enjoyed that evening. So it felt like the best choice for me to kick things off on this Adventure filled with lots of first drinks.
It smelled very fruity and sweet. Having only had sparking cider, sparking grape juice or sparking peach juice (I lived large nonalcoholic), I was not ready for how dry it would be. If you’ve been drinking alcohol for many years now, you’d probably forget that typically, there are no classic “dry” non-alcoholic drinks. I don’t know if that quality exists outside of alcoholic drinks. I have honestly never experienced it until tonight.
So the dry thing caught me off guard. As did the fermented taste.
It was like watered down grape juice that had been left out to go stale, then someone re-carbonated it just a few days before it could be used to bake bread.
But it wasn’t all bad. I swear. I drank the entire half-glass as planned. I just didn’t love it. And I thought I would. But the bitterness and the dryness I think is something that could grow on me. Who knows. But I didn’t love it.
And I didn’t feel any different. And honestly, that was nice.
Oh, but let me take a moment to talk about the party where I had the drink. Let me first just say the host and hostess were great. Lovely people. The hostess in particular is a co-worker of my husband, Joe. But the party was awkward.
For me.
Everyone was about 10 years younger, better dressed and pretty drunk—so it was quintessential DC. And I was oddly transported back in time. And that’s pretty perfect, honestly, considering this experiment, this adventure, this first drink.
I guess my point is that it kinda felt like high school again—where I would have traditionally had my real first drink. It was odd and awkward, I was in the corner, being ignored by the larger group, I was feeling a bit silly and out of element with this glass of alcohol in my hand wondering what crazy thing would happen next. While everyone else was having a much better time.
Although, to be fair I was there with my husband. And it was a nicer drink in a nicer glass—did I mention the hostess was kind enough to give me a smaller wine glass while everyone else had dixie cups so I could do this right?—and I’m 35 and not 17.
But you get the point. Let me romanticize this, please.
And that was the first drink. For being pretty uneventful, it was quite eventful. I admit, it was nothing like I thought it would be, and yet I was far from disappointed. I’m pretty sure every preconceived notion about alcohol I’ve ever had will be thoroughly tested in 2012 and I openly, excitedly and perhaps even drunkenly welcome these realizations and revelations.
So ring the bells, sound the alarms, shoot that flair gun in the air… The Adventures of a 35yo (Alcohol) Virgin begins! Spread the word! It’s going to be one hell of wide-eyed ride. And you’re invited for every drink, drink by drink.
In fact, I hear my first adult brunch drink calling today. Stay posted.
Cheers, Ben
PS: Oh, and with one drink each, and up to 3 drinks a week, I’ll have over 150 drinks in 2012. So before you start to worry, I’ll make sure to try a real french champagne before this adventure is over, promise.